The infirmed are back on the road

A list from my defunct blog of a few years ago... Classic Rock Stars

From the “classic band’s” viewpoint, explaining (mansplaining?):

1. We’re doing it for the money. We made some bad investments with the millions we earned in the 70s, 80s, & 90s, so now we have to reluctantly head back out on the road and try and perform all those damn old songs again.

2. We’re doing it for our egos. Our therapist thinks it might be the best thing for us to get in front of our fans again. No worries that we can’t carry a tune anymore, it’s not about your ears, but our egos.

3. We can’t move around like we did when we were in our 20s, so expect to see us shuffle around the stage like - well, your grandparents.

4. Expect us to sing everything we perform live in a lower register than what we originally recorded. Trying to hit those high notes just messes up the low notes for us these days. We might even have YOU sing the high notes for us.

5. There’s only so much lip-synching we can do in our older age. To be honest, we’re not very good at it, so set your expectations lower.

6. We’ve spent most of the touring budget on liniment, comfy chairs in the bus, and supplements, but with what was left, we bought a great light show for you to enjoy at the shows. We’ve included lots of gigantic video screens too where we can show you what we looked like when we were in our twenties. Cool, huh?

7. Since most of the band has passed away (or are on oxygen protocols), we’re using interchangeable studio musicians to back us up on stage. They sound better than the original band members, but they’ve been asked to make mistakes like we used to back in the 80s to make the experience more authentic.

8. We’ll need lots of breaks, so we’ve hired some out-of-work elephants from the Circus to entertain you while we get oxygen backstage.

9. Sorry about the admission prices. See number 1 (and those elephants are PRICEY). We had to shell out a LOT to our legal team to be able to use our original band name on this tour.

10. Our goal is to see you all again! We love our fans! That, along with paying off the 6 brand-new buses and semi-tractor trailers, is what the tour needed.